


God is Remote and so is Keith

by maph



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Badass Keith, Comedy, Hostage Situations, Humor, Keith needs blood pressure meds before he explodes, Lance is a trickster, M/M, Robbery, Violence, Violent Keith, Witty Banter, You would be too if you were kidnapped, good job Lance, he questions his life, two resourceful boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 20:03:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18901681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maph/pseuds/maph
Summary: Lance frowned. “Did you not hear me?”“Wha—” Once again, Keith spluttered, eyebrows drawn up in an expression of pure disbelief. “Yes, I fucking heard you! Did you hear yourself?”“Yeah?”“We are literally in the middle of a robbery and you’re thinking about getting my fuckingnumber?”“Uh. Yes?”





	God is Remote and so is Keith

**Author's Note:**

> Didn't really like this but I live for putting Keith in bamboozling situations and oh well

If Keith couldn’t admit that he was an asshole then he’d have to be the densest person on the planet, possibly in the universe. He had some anger issues, yes, and maybe a slight tendency to scare the living daylights out of anyone he so much as pinned as slightly annoying, but was he really all that _bad?_ Did Keith really deserve _this?_

 Keith, being the unluckiest bastard of the twenty-first century, managed to get himself caught up in a convenience store robbery. And to make matters worse, the only other person that got caught with him was an idiot.

A blue eyed, kind of sort of handsome _idiot._

“ _Pssst._ Hey. _Hey._ ”

“What.” Keith snapped, breaking out of his reverie to glare at the boy across from him. The very same idiot he had previously been cursing out, the very same idiot who thought it would be a good idea to scream when three strange men walked into the store and started to rob it, effectively calling attention to himself, and by association, Keith.

Hence why Keith was currently hunched against the frozen food isle and the boy across from him against a rack of fatty chips, with hands hastily tied behind their backs and guarded by one of the three robbers. Their phones had been taken long ago, now shoved into the pocket of their guard because of course, this situation really couldn’t get any better.

“Are you still mad at me?” The other boy grinned sheepishly, looking oddly happy despite the situation both of them were caught in. In his defense, the other did look a bit guilty, but if you can believe it, getting tied up in a convenience store did _not_ put Keith in a forgiving mood.

“Oh of _course_ not,” he snarled. “Why the hell would I be mad at someone who got us caught but a bunch of dickheads when we could have gotten out of the store before they saw us? That would be ridiculous, right? Who the _hell_ would be mad at that?”

The man standing close by glared dangerously at Keith, jerking his gun testily. Keith glared right back.

Meanwhile, the incompetent dumbass across from him had the gall to look offended, and even had the audacity to look hot while doing it. What an asshole. “Well okay, jeez.” He muttered, scuffing his shoe against the dirty tile. “You don’t have to be such a dick about it.”

And of all the things the boy could have said, he just had to go and say _that._

“Are you fucking _kidding_ me?!” Keith exploded, “I wouldn’t be in this fucking situation right now if your dumb ass hadn’t decided it would be a good idea to scream like a prepubescent little girl when—”

“Hey, you!” the guy barked, “Stop screaming at the twiggy kid.”

The other boy frowned, opening his mouth to protest the nickname before shutting it quickly when the man shoved the gun barrel into his face. “Okay, okay, point taken.” He muttered, glancing shiftily at the robber for a couple minutes until the man’s attention was focused elsewhere. He glanced furtively towards Keith, who was at the moment doing his absolute best to break the scratchy rope around his hands with sheer willpower and frustration alone so he could crawl over and strangle the other himself.

Unfortunately for Keith’s rising blood pressure, the boy seemed completely unbothered by his threatening demeanor, eyes cool yet friendly. “So,” the other boy drew out the ‘o,’ keeping his voice quiet as he spoke. “I don’t really want to keep referring to you as emo boy in my head, so what’s your name?”

Keith leveled him with a look that was said could melt the ice off a dozen frozen waffles, but the other boy remained undeterred, staring at him with an expectant, distractingly blue gaze. Luckily, Keith’s stubbornness was substantial, and he remained unphased and silent.

“I’m Lance.” The other boy beamed expectantly, fixing him with an imploring stare.

“I don’t care, shut up.”

“ _Wow,_ okay. Rude.” Lance huffed, friendly demeanor melting from his body as he stared sullenly at his shoes. He scuffed his foot against the ground again, and god dammit, Keith wished he would stop because not only was it really annoying but it was maybe even a touch endearing. _Maybe._

And speaking of Keith wishing Lance would stop doing things, did he really have to look so offended by being told to shut up? Did he _really_ have to look like _that_ , all mopey and kicked-puppy-like?

Against all odds, his expression lessened the blizzard on the icy tundra where Keith’s heart should have been (or so his friend Pidge called his heart cavity), and made him think that maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t being completely fair to Lance. Most people’s reaction to seeing a gun would be to scream, and just because Keith’s childhood had been spent being shoed away from how to a military school and he was no longer phased by anything, didn’t mean that other people were just as seasoned.

Keith groaned, tipped his head back to rest on the glass door of the freezer behind him. He sighed loudly, tilting his head down to stare at the other from underneath a fringe of black hair. God, he _hated_ apologizing.

“Lance.” The boy looked up, staring at him with those _stupid, blue eyes_ and hummed lightly, shifting uncomfortably against the snack foods at his back. Keith watched him squirm, groaning internally. “I—sorry. I’m being a dick.”

The change in the other boy’s demeanor happened so quickly that Keith almost got whiplash. Lance immediately brightened, smiling widely despite being in a damn hostage situation because yeah, that’s where normal people’s priorities lie when being held at gunpoint. Apologies.

“I mean yeah,” he grinned, “you kind of were.” Keith scoffed. “But thanks for apologizing….” Lilting his speech into a questioning tone, Lance quirked a brow, staring earnestly at Keith while making an encouraging gesture with his hand. Keith wished he could phase through the wall.

He sighed. “Keith.”

“Keith.” Lance tested the name, emphasizing each sound slowly as if he were tasting the name on his tongue. “Keith what?”

“Kogane.”

“Well hello there, Keith Kogane.” Lance stared at him, blue irises fixated on gray. The stare was so intense that he wished he could brush his bangs in front of his eyes, but alas, his hands were otherwise occupied by being tied behind his goddamn back. Keith huffed, so frustrated with their situation that he almost missed the words coming out of Lance’s mouth. He kind of wished he had.

“Well, Keith. Care to give me a number to match the name?”

Keith choked, eyes blowing wide at Lance’s question. He hunched over, coughing loudly enough that one of the robbers turned around and glared, thumbing the trigger of his gun threateningly. And while that was all very scary, Keith was way too busy trying to figure out what in the absolute _hell_ was wrong with the blue-eyed boy across from him.

“ _What.”_

Lance frowned. “Did you not hear me?”

“Wha—” Once again, Keith spluttered, eyebrows drawn up in an expression of pure disbelief. “Yes, I fucking heard you! Did you hear _yourself?”_

“Yeah?”

“We are literally in the middle of a robbery and you’re thinking about getting my fucking _number_?”

“Yeah?”

“And you think there is absolutely _nothing_ wrong with that?”

“Yeah?”

Keith exploded. “Stop saying _yeah_!” Lance just blinked at him, cocking his head as if he were actually _confused_ by Keith’s frustration. As if _Keith_ was the crazy one. He squeezed his eyes shut, tipping his head back forcefully to bang against the freezer door. _Calm, cool, and collected. Nothing is wrong here. This is just a normal Tuesday._

“Uh, Keith?” Keith peeled open his eyes, staring dully at the dim, overhead light, halfway hoping that this was all a crazy dream and if he stared hard enough, the light would force himself to wake up. Unfortunately, no such luck.

“Keith? Keeeeeeith.”

“What?” He snapped, refusing to meet the other boy’s gaze. There was something fascinating about the azure blue of Lance’s gaze, and Keith was not in the mood to be admiring the other’s eyes. Even if they happened to be the most beautiful eyes he’d ever— _no,_ not the point.

“Were you implying,” Lance craned his neck, trying to catch Keith’s upturned gaze. “that if we were, say, to get _out_ of this robbery situation, you would give me your number?”

 _Fuck no,_ said Keith’s brain. “Fine,” said Keith’s mouth.

Lance beamed, and _wait. That wasn’t supposed to happen._ Keith cheeks burned furiously, eyes widening as he cursed his traitorous mouth. He flailed to rectify the situation, jaw working furiously as he fought not to bury his head in his hands. _Why, dear fucking god why._

While he was busy planning how to kill himself so he wouldn’t talk anymore, Lance seemed to be doing a little planning on his own, wiggling around on the floor like a man possessed. With horrified curiosity, Keith watched as Lance began to groan, curling up into a ball on the disgusting, gum-riddled floor, knees tucked tightly into his chest.

One of the robbers, thoroughly confused by the boy’s actions, shuffled over, prodding Lance in the side with his shoe as he growled out a command for the other to get up. When the lump on the floor merely groaned in response, the robber kneeled down, placing a meaty hand of Lance’s shoulder and flipping him over.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Keith was pretty curious for an answer to this as well.

Lance grumbled, eyes screwing up in pain, shaking his head as his discomfort grew. “Hurts.” He moaned, lips pressed into a thin line of discomfort. He wheezed a little, sucking in a few shaky breaths before continuing. “Ate some cookies, over there.” He gestured to a rack behind the robber with his head. “Stomach hurts.”

The robber turned his head, expression curious to as which cookies could cause a person so much pain, when Lance struck, snapping his previously curled up legs forward with all the force he could muster. Keith was shocked, staring open mouthed as the Lance’s foot cracked against the robber’s head, not even leaving him time to shout before he was out cold on the floor.

Lance grinned, meeting Keith’s startled expression with amusement, before standing up and moving his _unbound_ hands from behind his back. Keith’s jaw nearly dropped, barely managing to shove away his awe before it encompassed his entire face.

“They were really loose,” Lance whispered, as if sensing Keith’s complete befuddlement. “Very easy to slip out of. Pretty impressive, huh?” Keith merely glared, and decided to focus on schooling his expression from now on lest Lance get even more cocky than he already was.

“Whatever, genius. Care to until mine now?” Lance nodded, and in less than 30 seconds Keith was on his feet, ducking low behind the isles and rubbing at his bruised wrists. Lance being capable of usefulness was definitely a turn of events, but a pleasantly surprising one, not that Keith would ever admit it out loud.

Never mind that. Keith had more pressing matters to deal with, such as escaping from a fucking hostage situation in a stupid convenience store, preferably with his and Lance’s skin bullet-free.

Now that his hands were free and he was off the disgusting tile, Keith’s self-preservation skills were beginning to kick in, mind sharpening and body tensing for a fight. His mind was whirling, piecing together a way to get themselves out of this situation because, hell, he didn’t spend most of his life suffering at a military school for nothing.

His change in behavior must have been apparent outwards as well, because Lance was looking at him with _something_ in his eyes and Keith didn’t really know how to feel about it other than slightly embarrassed. He could deal with why Lance merely looking at him made him blush later, because now, it was _his_ turn to kick ass.

Motioning Lance to be quiet, Keith crept down the aisle, balancing his weight on the balls of his feet as he moved. Locating the other two men through the gaps of space between various food products, he narrowed his eyes, searching them for weapons. They each had handguns, pistols, but those could be dealt with easily, provided the two stayed unaware of their friend being suspiciously quiet.

Taking care to avoid brushing against the cellophane snack bags, Keith turned to Lance, who was busy fishing their phones out of the pocket of the man on the ground. The boy shuffled towards him soundlessly, handing him his phone and nodding when Keith made the universal gesture to stay put.

Lance’s eyes were serious as he mouthed the words “stay safe,” and Keith found himself giving the other a reassuring smile before his expression hardened, glancing at Lance once more before he slipped down the aisle. Using the various shelves as cover, he wove up towards the front of the store, reveling in how the men somehow _still_ hadn’t noticed something was amiss. They must not know each other very well, but hey, that worked out great for Keith.

He was close now, only a few feet and a shelf of gum away from the men. Sucking in a silent breath, Keith steadied himself before straightening up, stepping out from behind the shelf with a small cough. The robbers jolted and began to turn, but it didn’t matter. It was far too late.

Keith was moving before the older man had time to blink. Pushing off the balls of his feet, he charged the other man, grabbing the barrel of his gun and twisting it from his grasp with a vicious snarl. Taking advantage of his shock, Keith pulled back his fist and drove it forward with all his might, connecting soundly with the man’s nose.

A loud snap echoed through the store, and yeah, noses probably shouldn’t be bending at a ninety-degree angle. The man flopped backwards gracelessly, eyes rolling to up in his head as his skull cracked painfully against the tile. Keith winced, but did not hesitate for long, instead spinning around to glower at the final robber gaping at him from a few feet away.

Keith glared furiously, pushing his bangs from his eyes, and stepped forward. The man flinched and dropped his gun, and man, if that didn’t make him slightly proud then nothing would.

But as it turns out, Keith would not be bothered to take the second guy down, because as it turns out, Lance, who was actually turning out to be very smart and making Keith felt guilty for referring to him as ‘the idiot’, had called the police.

Several officers burst into the store at that very moment, illuminated by flashing sirens as they raised their guns threateningly at the only man left standing. The robber looked like he was about to cry, and Keith almost felt a bit bad for him before remembering he was the one who had bruised his shoulder shoving him into a case full of frozen mystery meat.

Sighing, Keith shook out the hand he had used to deck the second robber as policemen crowded into the store, turning to Lance with a small, triumphant smile and _wow,_ what the hell was that expression?

Lance was gazing at him openly, eyes blown wide as a dazed expression of _something_ crossed his face. It made Keith a bit uncomfortable, but it was a good discomfort? He didn’t know, not a lot of people stared at him with emotions other than hate, alright?

As if sensing Keith’s discomfort, Lance snapped out of his daze, mouth spewing words a mile a minute. “Ohmygodgooutwithme.”

Keith blinked, feeling heat rising to his cheeks. “Er, what?”

The other boy flailed, bounding over to Keith and making grabby hands. “Phone, gimme.”

Blankly, Keith handed over his phone, wisely remaining silent and Lance practically vibrated out of excitement. The boy handed it back rather quickly, and Keith glanced down at the screen, noting the new conversation with a contact titled “Lance-y Pants” that had been opened in his text app.

And you know what, Keith didn’t even care. He even laughed a bit, enjoying Lance’s expression of glee at Keith’s non-refusal of his number. The police officers were looking at them a bit weird, sure, but he really couldn’t be bothered at this point. This entire event was surreal, and hey, he even got a number out of it.

Lance cleared his throat with a smile, snapping Keith’s thoughts away from the officers. “Well Keith, for being a fellow hostage-in-arms in a convenience store robbery, you were not a bad partner. Ten out of ten.”

Keith grinned, surprisingly good-natured for nearly dying multiple times. “Yeah. We make a good team.”

Lance chuckled. “Want to get takeout and talk about how we kicked ass?”

Glancing around at the knocked-over racks of cheap food, the police officers scattered around the store, the two bodies lying on the ground, and then finally, straight into Lance’s hopeful, earnest eyes, Keith knew, there was absolutely nothing he would rather do more.


End file.
